From: (snipped) To: Subject: u only want to die sometimes Date: 29 June 2002 11:41 You have some hope left, whereas I've been on zyprexa (psychosis), seroquel (schizophrenia), mersyndol (calmative), temazepam (insomnia), cipramil (depression), faverin (depression), effexor-xr (depression), luvox (depression), to no avail. i still think about ways to plan my death and killing sprees and feel like shit all the time (since 1996), can't tell dreams from reality hallucinations and delusions too, always confused, i actually thought i killed my parents, cut myself deeply all over (to the bone), see 5 different shrinks, failing 2nd attempt at year 12 (less than 26%) after being expelled from previous school for suicide attempt at school and planned bombing at sports day. The rest of the first years attempt was spent at a forensic psychiatry unit. I used to get all a's and one b but now I won't qualify for any courses at university. I'm not on good terms with anybody, lost my boyfriend too. i've been into hospital several times and put into isolation, drugged etc. i've hung myself, overdosed, been hit by cars, cut my wrists and carved last words into my arms. Been diagnosed as a bipolar catatonic obsessive compulsive kleptomanic paranoid schizophrenic with a social phobia who "romanticises violence". To top it all off my language centre and memory are deteriorating and the doctors don't know why. Sometimes i can't speak or read or write. i used to be bulimic which has changed to anorexia ( not anorexia nervosa) just recently. Doctors are considering ECT and more stay in psychiatric ward. I have suicide watch people visiting all the time, and i have 3 spirits that follow me round and talk to me. Some people think i have split personalities too because i lose time and apparently i change into a different person including how i dress and even my voice changes. i answer to different names. This might be my half demon side though. i have demonic powers but i don't know how to control them yet, just like if you grew wings overnight you wouldn't know how to fly straight away. My eyes even glow red sometimes. So far all i can do is implant thoughts into other people and make them think it's their own thoughts and control nonhuman animals. I have had 5 sets of different parents thoughout my 18 years of life and our family is dysfunctional. my dad Kym (54) is married to my mum Robyn (52), who lives with Andrew (70) a street or 2 away. Kym and Robyn still wear eachothers rings but fuck their other partners. Kym is with Mary who has two daughters, my new step sisters. Mary works for the governmentr and my dad's a philosopher. Theoretically i can have stepsisters though andrew being seventy that are as old as my mum. I know nothing about my real family. i was adopted from south korea and when i'm out with a single family member like my dad then i get grotty looks from people thinking we're a couple cos i certainly don't look like his daughter. on my 18th birthday(1st May) one of my brothers got hit by a drunk driver while he was on his bike just to go get some money for the party. He went into intensive care and had his head stapled together again. He is fine now because i gave him a lot of my luck which made me weak. I get blood noses all the time. i've got a job at king of knives in the city and when i went to apply officially the palce was being robbed for the first time is that an omen or what. i used to have my bed full of quality knives all $150-$200 knives (my bed is hollow). and the hugest collection of gun and knife magazines too but my parents went thru my room when i was in psych ward and chucked them out. i wouldn't have minded as much if they'd sold them but they just chucked them. some bum'll get them and that pisses me off. i earned all the money for them, even thoughj it was illegally. i was the best pickpocket in adelaide, i'd get strangers asking me for stuff. that's when i retired cos i figured if strangers knew the police would find out too easily too. i only steal when i don't know i am or can't help myself. this includes shops and stuff not just pockets. people can't believe that i could get rings and watches off people without them knowing until i do it to them. i am honorable i steal from the rich and literally buy things for the less well off. i've never spent any stolen goods/money for myself except knives. i used to rake in $4000 dollars for a full days work. Future plans: - get a job-lose job - win lottery-make machines to save humanity, then destroy them to spite all the humans on earth - beat the crap out of a few i hate, not everyone i hate or it'll take 4ever unlike u i keep mine realistic. also what else is realistic is that therapy doesn't work. Now if you want to complain about YOUR life further i am at : (snipped) PS i have a fucking annoying tremor too